Sadness and Reflections.
by Megamind-loves-Roxanne
Summary: Don't worry. This isn't a dark fanfic. This is in Van's POV about the kiss from episode 20 and 21. Spoilers!!!! Please read and review please!


"Sadness & Reflections"

Hi y'all! I'm so happy you chose to read my story. This idea was actually made by someone else but I couldn't seem to find the webpage where I found it. If you know to whom it belongs to, please tell me so I can give that person credit. Their idea for this fanfic was great. And I apologize for taking the idea. I just had to write this out. It contains spoilers so if you haven't watched the entire show, don't read this. It would be better if you watched the show. Now, I haven't watched it all either so please don't flame me if something isn't accurate. I tried my best with this fic. Please review in the end. I think I'll write Hitomi's P.O.V. (point of view) on the kiss but I won't write it out unless I don't get enough reviews. Thank you! Oh, one more thing, please visit Merle-san's website. She has a fanfiction page that includes some of my own ideas; plus many other people's stories having to do with Escaflowne. I hope you go and read mine, plus my friend's stories. Thanks! The address is: [http://www.angelfire.com/RPG/fanfiction][1]. Thanks again! Don't forget to review!

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"Sadness & Reflections"

By Jessica Hernandez-Loera (A.K.A. Hitomi_Fanel)

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne (although I wish I did and if I did, I would have Hitomi and Van end up together in the end). I don't even own this story (entirely). 

I walk back to the windmill with a heavy heart. I have just witnessed the most heart-breaking scene any person in love could witness. I walked, looking for you, trying to find you so I could tell you that I was sorry for what I said at the windmill; that I didn't mean what I said. I wanted to tell you but when I found you, my mind fogged and the world shattered around me. My heart felt heavy, my illusions of us torn. There you were… on the bridge… with Allen. But you weren't just with him; you were kissing him as well. Now it seems that telling you all that I wanted to tell you will mean nothing to you. You're probably already too busy thinking of Allen and the future I'm sure you'll make with him. And to think I ran through the rain for you, soaking myself to the bone, risking catching a cold. It all seems so foolish now… even laughable. Yet, I know that if I try to laugh about it, I'll cry instead. 

Are you really in love with him? Or maybe I shouldn't ask that question, for I know I probably won't like the answer. I stop, leaning myself against a building while the water in my hair falls in my face. I ignore it as I punch the wall I'm leaning on. Damn!! Why did it have to be this way? I remember when I first met you. At the time, I didn't think I would end up falling in love with you. I shrugged you off as "not as beautiful as most". "I've seen better". That thought entered my mind when I saw you in that shirt and those shorts. A tomboy. That was what you were. I even cursed when I realized that you were dragged along with me. A tag-a-long is what you would be called. As time passed and I ended up spending more time with you, you became a valuable friend, the only human friend my age that I've ever had. But once Allen stepped in, I realized that what I felt for you was more than just mere friendship. It must have been. I had this feeling of jealousy (a feeling I've never experienced before) when Allen had the nerve to call you his lover and then kiss you on the cheek. Jealousy and anger filled me and at the time and I didn't understand why. 'Why am I jealous?' I recall asking myself. I decided to shrug it off and think about more important things like Fanelia. 

Jealousy is a new emotion for me. I've never felt jealous before. But I've never been in love before either. You made me happy. No matter you did or said, I felt happy. It was because being in your presence made me happy, although it also made my heart flutter and my composure waver. When I realized I was in love with you must have been the moment you told me my wings were beautiful. Aside from Merle, you were the only one who thought they were. Although Merle said it, I don't think she meant it. When I looked into her eyes, I could see that she hated them. She also thought of me as cursed. Even my own mother didn't like them. She had always told me not to show them because people wouldn't understand. But you, you did mean it. I could tell by the look of kindness in your eyes. Your beautiful emerald eyes that I love looking into. Later, I tried to tell you, but I lost my courage. When you came in and told me that Allen wanted to see me, I tried to tell you. But one look in your eyes and I lost my nerve. I even practiced what I was going to say. I ran the conversation repeatedly in my head, trying to come up with the best way to tell you how I truly felt about you. Why didn't I just tell you then?

I bet things would have been different now. You wouldn't have been on that bridge, kissing Allen, and I wouldn't be here, leaning against this building, thinking about it, hurting my heart. We probably would have been in the windmill together, hugging each other close as we lay on a bale of hay, trying to warm each other up from the cold, trying to comfort and calm each other a loud thunderbolts crackled outside. But it isn't that way. I curse the day Allen came into our lives.

I'll also never forget the day I was close to dying. Someone had told me that Dryden was the one who healed me but it was when I woke up that will never abandon my mind. Your lovely face was the first I saw. You had such a look of worry and part of me was glad to see how worried you were for me because it made me hope that maybe you did feel something for me. I called out your name softly and smiled. You smiled back and my heart leapt to my throat. Seeing you first out of everybody made me fall in love with you all over again. 

I'll also never forget how both of us were trapped within the land of the dead and you tried to wake me up. Once you did, and I saw you fall, I let my wings come out and I saved you, hugging you tight in the process. I was trying to transmit my love into you so you could finally realize how I felt for you. Your scent entered my nose as I held you in my arms. You smelled of roses after a shower. I was hoping you felt safe and protected in my arms but now I know that you probably didn't. You felt safer in Allen's arms.

I let the thoughts exit my mind as I wiped water away from my eyes that probably came from my hair. I straightened up and walked back to the windmill. I know Merle will be worried about me.

So? Did you like it? Was it sweet? Please tell me. I would love to hear from you. And if you have questions or want to tell me who the author of the other fanfiction is, e-mail me instead of including it in your review! Thanks again! Hope I see you soon with "Sadness and guilt", the sequel to this fanfiction that has Hitomi give her opinion on the kiss and Van seeing it. I'm even thinking of making a fanfiction that takes place after the kiss and has Van and Hitomi…oh, you'll read it when I type it out. But I won't unless I don't get a review from you. And, don't forget to visit the website above and give the authors your thoughts on their fanfiction. Thanks! Till next time ^_^!!!!

   [1]: http://www.angelfire.com/RPG/fanfiction



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